H-hm, hello, Ludo here. I’m here to introduce you to Augustus. He’s very kindly done a guest post for us. I Confess I’m glad I don’t live with him and his friends.

Chaos by Augustus

Greetings. Augustus here. My letter is C for chaos. Boy, do I know a lot about chaos.

First, I will tell you a little about myself. I am a guinea pig. I live with my human mother, whom Locksley knows as Auntie Dawn, and my human father. I have a little brother, a guinea pig named Lynley. In the mix are the weird feathery nonpigs—more about them below. 

We all exist in a tiny apartment, or “flat,” in the United States. In her books, Jemima refers to the island on which we live as “Hattan”; its real name is Manhattan. 

As my name indicates, I am majestic. In fact, I am the only one around here who doesn’t create chaos. You may call me Gussie.

Now I will discuss the chaotic elements in my life.

Lynley

Lynley is my little brother because he is younger than I, but he is also quite a bit smaller. What he lacks in mass, though, he makes up for in volume. By that, I mean he is LOUD. I’m not sure where he gets his vocal power. He’ll wheek at all hours for no reason, even when it’s not meal time.

He also has random freak-outs, in which he runs around and flips his pigloo. Mom will often look at Lynley, shake her head, and ask me what’s going on with him—as if I know. 

(In case you’re wondering, Lynley is named after Inspector Lynley, a character from the screen that the humans watch. Mom says that she has a “crush” on this person. Why would she want to crush him? Humans are even stranger than Lynley.) 

Weird feathery nonpigs

Much of the chaos in this abode comes from the two weird feathery nonpigs (WFNPs). The parents call them “the birds.” They sometimes refer to them as “parrots” and “green-cheeked conures.” 

Whatever you want to name them, they are ridiculous. 

They are smaller and lighter than Lynley but even louder. They must have sirens inside those black, hooked things that grow from their faces. They can fly, which seems like a neat thing to be able to do, but they are never calm about it. Easily scared, they take off at the slightest provocation, startling the parents. They flutter around, knock things over, and act as general nuisances.

Their poops aren’t tidy little packages like my brother’s and mine but rather watery splotches. These bizarre aviators drop their liquid bombs everywhere, creating quite a mess. They even have the nerve to land on top of my enclosure and lob their explosives inside. I mean, really! Do I go over to their home and muck it up?

The parents get frustrated when they’re trying to do their human activities, like staring at screens or papers, and the WFNPs squeak and squawk and fly and poop. You can’t really blame the parents for that, but then they add more chaos by yelling about it. (As I said, humans are strange.) 

Humans

They’re hypocritical for complaining about the WFNPs in the first place, because they create their own chaos. You’ve probably noticed that humans are fussy, clumsy, and boisterous, and these two are no different. They galumph on their ungainly feet. Never satisfied, they move their things around, thumping and clanking all the way. They chatter incessantly. Their machines whirr, beep, and speak with human voices. 

Sometimes a racket comes from humans on the other side of the windows or walls. I don’t know those humans, but they usually seem very bothered by something.

All of these noises bounce off the walls in our tiny home. 

Vicious circle

In a vicious circle, the WFNPs get scared of these sounds and set off their face sirens. They have yet to learn, as my little brother and I have learned, that the machines that beep and the humans who fuss are harmless. Maybe they think they’re providing some kind of service (no, thanks!). Clearly, they are not as intelligent as guinea pigs. 

Don’t get me wrong. I can be vocal when I need to be—for example, when a parent is late with veggies. This kind of tardiness is never excusable, and I will issue a sharp reprimand. Overall, though, I am as stately and serene as my name signifies. Chaos just isn’t my style.

I hope you, reader, have little to no chaos in your life. 

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Ludo here again. I hope your life isn’t so chaotic. Please leave a message, and if you have one (or two) ask questions. We are answering questions all month.